I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I cannot find my penis.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
