Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize