i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
