Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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