she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
