I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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