who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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