if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You're breaking my sexual little heart
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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