I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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