why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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