Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
