So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
