I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize