when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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