Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
