two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
FUCK WHALES
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