I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
