Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
