thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize