I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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