Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dick very happy bro
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
