You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
