May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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