someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
