The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
