You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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