so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I didn't notice because vodka
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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