you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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