what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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