Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
