dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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