I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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