I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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