Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
