She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
