gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
