dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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