i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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