Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
