There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
