i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize