First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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