How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
