Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
