Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
