I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
