I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was born a porn star she said
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
