I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
