it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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