I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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