Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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