So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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