Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
