I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
