I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize