I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
