ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
