My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
