Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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