I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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