You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
