just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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