Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
