I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
