shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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