I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
