Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sorry my hands just texted you
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
