I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
