he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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