Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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