i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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